I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
