I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
