apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
