Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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