you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
