he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
