so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
