I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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