This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize