Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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