The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
