my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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