Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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