When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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