You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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