M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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