I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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