Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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