Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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