Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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