I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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