I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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