I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
