Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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