One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
