so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
