So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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