You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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