I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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