Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
