I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
