The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize