Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
