Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
