i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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