I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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