I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
