i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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