The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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