dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
