You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
