And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
