I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
