They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
