I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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