What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
