I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
