I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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