First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
