I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
