She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
