New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
