just come out here and I will go home with you...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
