I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
