i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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