Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize