I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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