just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
