Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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