Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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