i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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